Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The fun, it never ends (not for the squeamish)

We went to the RE's this morning so Pili could have a follow-up wanding with Nurse Tall and Brusque (TAB), who incidentally, I am really beginning to dislike. (Is it too much to ask that you give us the information we need to come to our conclusions and make our own decisions? What are you seeing in there, anyway?) For a minute I saw something that I imagined (heart leaping into chest, stomach turning over with emotion) was a fetus on the u/s screen, but apparently it was the uterine lining. I think sonographers really missed their calling as critics of modern art.

Nurse TAB, after much prodding on her point (oops! sorry! just trying to find your right ovary) and much prodding on my point, conceeded that there were still some clots in there, but that the sac had been passed. This was good, but Pili should come back next week again so that we can see if we need to take further steps. D'you mean a D&C, Pili asked. Um, yeah, further steps. Let me just go talk to Dr. SBS for a minute. And she ducked out the door.

This state of affairs jibes with Pili's experience, which is that first there was blood, lots of it. And then not so much. And then more. And then not so much. For basically the past two weeks. And of a somewhat unusual color and consistency.

So we are to come back next week for further scanning and poking. How utterly anti-climatic this feels. We're waiting for there to be nothing.

Last night, Pili suggested that we donate the four remaining embryos to stem cell research. She's sick and tired of being poked and prodded. She feels sick to her stomach when she sees the tasteful furniture of the RE's office and the tasteful smiles of the receptionists. I am... torn.

On the one hand, I want to see this through to the end. I want to know that we did everything we could, and it didn't work. I have no compunctions about saying that adoption is a Plan B for us. When we have our child we will love him or her with one hundred percent Plan A love, but it's not the scenario we had originally imagined. I still love the idea of Pili carrying our child, my egg & mystery man's sperm.

On the other hand, I respect Pili and her right to control what happens to her body. If she's worn out by this process and what it's doing to her, how can I compel her to keep going?

Either way, we're agreed, the adoption goes forward. Because the other piece of it is that neither one of us has a whole lot of confidence that we will a) get pregnant again, or b) stay pregnant again.

Blech.

11 Comments:

Blogger Flmgodog said...

I can understand how Pili feels. She wants it to be over (at least this portion). Hopefully no D & C next week. My own opinion is if she HAS to have one then she wants to be asleep for it. I was awake and it was a fairly AWFUL experience. Not one I will ever have again (awake at least).
You two both take care.

3:46 PM  
Blogger Violet said...

Art, you have a gift for wringing the drops of humor out of grief. That's a rare grace.

I wish you both peace. This sucks.

4:02 PM  
Blogger Blondie said...

A-S, I completely understand. Well, yeah, I'm sure you know how much. It sucks that our ideas of how our families were to be formed are being crushed. It was a romantic idea of ours for T to carry our child. But that's looking more and more to not be reality.

And Plan B is still a very good option. I wish you luck. We're working on our Plan B.

4:44 PM  
Blogger Kerri. said...

I couldn't say it better than Violet already has.

You and Pili are in my thoughts.

5:33 PM  
Blogger deanna said...

I can see why it would be hard for you to let the embryos go. Could you keep them in deep-freeze for awhile longer while you work on the adoption plan, and then revisit their fate once you've had some time to emotionally decompress? Making any kind of decisions would seem so difficult right now, with your loss still so fresh.

Peace on your journey, girls....

9:44 PM  
Anonymous tonya cinnamon said...

peace to pili and love to you both, desions are never easy to make much less to decide.
which ever way you all decide . adoption is good too....hugs....

9:51 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

Oh, hon... I ache for you guys. This just sucks ass so hard. I wish it was easier. I am holding you in the light.

9:10 AM  
Blogger mermaidgrrrl said...

I feel so bad for you both - this decision making stuff sucks!
I agree with Deanna... perhaps it's best to leave the embies on ice for the time being while you most on with your adoption plans. You guys must be feeling so stressed at the moment (I sure would be) and making a big decision like that might be left for easier times. Kisses to you both xxx xxx

10:58 AM  
Anonymous Liza said...

This sounds like such a stressful time for the two of you! Ugh. I'm so sorry.

I agree with the folks who have suggested waiting before you decide to donate the remaining embryos.

I know my RE generally does storage by the year, but maybe they would be willing to charge you less for 3 or 6 months of storage while you let the emotional roller-coaster settle down a little bit.

Good luck with whatever choices you make, and especially with Pili getting this experience fully completed.

11:49 AM  
Blogger Michko said...

Words escape me right now. Just know that I'm thinking about you and Pili and praying you have the family of your dreams soon.

1:11 PM  
Blogger erinberry said...

That's a hard decision - I wish you and Pili peace with whatever that decision is.

12:46 PM  

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