Two months and two days ago
I will be honest, since this is my blog. But if you're pregnant, you might not want to keep reading. I would understand that.
Lots of folks in my little corner of the internet have gotten pregnant lately. They are filled with joy. They are looking forward without hesitation to the Baby that will Be. And you know what? Their Baby Will Be.
They will have doubling betas, beautiful fuzzy ultrasounds at which they clasp each other's hands and gasp (clasp, gasp, aren't I clever?) at the sound of their baby's heartbeat. Nothing will go wrong for them. Why not? I don't know why not. Maybe they were nicer to their mothers in a past life. Maybe they're just not me. Maybe if I had just believed whole-heartedly that nothing would go wrong, if I had not allowed doubt to slip in, nothing would have gone wrong. Did I jinx it by allowing the possibility of wrongness to materialize in my mind - one small grain and then another and then another - like the elementary school science experiment of sugar crystals on a thread?
Don't get me wrong. I don't in the least begrudge them their good karma. I just wish it extended to me. Perhaps the very fact that I can't just be happy for them without a reflex kick of self-pity and self-doubt is indicative of the starter crystal that sent our baby astray?
As excited as I am about the potential of Guatebaby, I just can't get these thoughts out of my head.
I can almost hear the gentle, rational voice of my father in my head, telling me statistics, reminding me of the joys of my life, trying to convince me these things don't happen because of me. And I don't know what scares me more. Random crap luck, or the idea that I make my own luck and that luck is bad.
Lots of folks in my little corner of the internet have gotten pregnant lately. They are filled with joy. They are looking forward without hesitation to the Baby that will Be. And you know what? Their Baby Will Be.
They will have doubling betas, beautiful fuzzy ultrasounds at which they clasp each other's hands and gasp (clasp, gasp, aren't I clever?) at the sound of their baby's heartbeat. Nothing will go wrong for them. Why not? I don't know why not. Maybe they were nicer to their mothers in a past life. Maybe they're just not me. Maybe if I had just believed whole-heartedly that nothing would go wrong, if I had not allowed doubt to slip in, nothing would have gone wrong. Did I jinx it by allowing the possibility of wrongness to materialize in my mind - one small grain and then another and then another - like the elementary school science experiment of sugar crystals on a thread?
Don't get me wrong. I don't in the least begrudge them their good karma. I just wish it extended to me. Perhaps the very fact that I can't just be happy for them without a reflex kick of self-pity and self-doubt is indicative of the starter crystal that sent our baby astray?
As excited as I am about the potential of Guatebaby, I just can't get these thoughts out of my head.
I can almost hear the gentle, rational voice of my father in my head, telling me statistics, reminding me of the joys of my life, trying to convince me these things don't happen because of me. And I don't know what scares me more. Random crap luck, or the idea that I make my own luck and that luck is bad.
posted by art-sweet at 11:27 AM
14 Comments:
Sadly, I know how you feel all too well. And I prefer to think of it as random crap luck.
After my first miscarriage, I could not be around pregnant women without feeling sad, jealous, angry-- and of course guilty for feeling all of those things.
My second miscarriage only intensified those emotions-- but added to them was the frightening suspicion that it was me and all of my doubts that had somehow caused this horrible thing to happen again.
In hindsight, I realize how wrong I was-- because I'd been wracked with those very same fears and doubts up until the moment those feelings proved wrong. When things actually went right.
It's random crap luck. These things don't "happen for a reason."
They just happen.
Thinking of you today and sending you many hugs...
I am right there with you. I have the added fun of secretly believing that my two embryos tried to kill me by implanting in highly dangerous places.
It is random crap. It is. I get so jealous and angry sometimes I can hardly stand it. But it is just random crap. It isn't anyones fault.
((hugs))
It is random crap luck. You and Pili will be great moms one day, I know it. You are absolutely deserving of the experience of motherhood.
I think anyone with half a heart would understand and empathize.
As I read, I found myself identifying to thoroughly, so completely with what you were writing, that I swear I forgot for a second that I am one of the (hugely, at the moment) lucky ones. For whom you believe it will be okay (even if I cannot believe such myself yet.)
I just kept nodding. God, how I know. Those feelings. The unfairness. The waiting. The not knowing. The happiness that everyone else gets and, yes, dammit, you deserve it too!!!! I'm so sorry.
PS-- I want horribly unice to my mother for a while there. If it makes you feel any better. It probably doesn't.
I should edit. That was supposed to say "I was horribly un-nice"
I also get caught up in the whys. I can spend hours having a one on one conversation with myself outlining all the reasons why I can't seem to get preggers. It is always my fault, bad karma, the lifestyle I led at University...
& as much as I *know* that it is just crap luck- I find the other easier to believe.
Thinking of you & hoping these thoughts get more & more like wispy clouds that soon will evaporate.
xo
I know it feels that way sometimes....especially when the BFP train rolls around the blogs at whip-speed. It's not that we want to make their cars jump the tracks....we just want to hitch on, is all...
Sending big **hugs**
Thinking of you lots.
There actually is no freakin justice in this world. Little Mister looked after a woman who was having her 15th baby last night, a woman who is severely mentally ill who screamed the whole time "Get that f*cker away from me!" about the baby. Nice. I think that sort of thing couldn't actually happen as some sort of "divine plan" - what deity would subject a child to that kind of existence? Likewise, there is no real reason why you and Pili haven't achieved a succesful pregnancy. It's just horrible not-luck and it fucking sucks. *hugs*
Life is so unfair; it's not your fault.
That sucks. I'm so sorry. I have no theory about luck or otherwise, just a big fat THAT SUCKS in sympathy.
It's random, crap luck, although I, too, have a hard time convincing myself of that. It's easier to blame ourselves than to give ourselves up to the total, chaotic randomness that is life.
I always think things will go wrong. I'm the founding member of The Other Shoe Dropping Church Of Borrowing Trouble.
I'm sorry. I really, really am. I wish there were words that I could say to make it better. I really, really do. Somehow, somewhere, I know there is a baby for you and DP.
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