Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Five stages of grief


That's not an empty sac. She just must not have found it yet.


At the smiling lady who held the door for us as we left the clinic.

At the ad for the new maternity suites at the local hospital that I passed on the highway afterwards.

At the book on tape I'm listening to, which happens to be a story about a pregnant teenager.

At the bubbly people on the stupid lesbian TTC list I still read out of some sort of masochistic streak who post their expected due dates and talk about names the minute they see a positive pee stick - and who don't get smacked down by g-d for their hubris.

At myself, for getting my hopes up and for even mentioning it to people and for imagining how I was going to send my mother a copy of the ultrasound with my wishes for a happy belated grandmother's day and how I was going to post it here with a title "meet tootie". I should have known better. Good things do not happen to me. And now I get to disappoint my family once again.

At the homeless guy who held up traffic when I was just trying to get here to work.


What's to bargain about? Dear god, I know that it took us 1 fresh cycle and 3 FETs to get to this point, but if I give up taking your name in vain will you actually give us a real baby out of our four remaining embryos? If I hadn't picked up that damn fit pregnancy magazine at the gym, would today have been different?




Do I have a fucking choice?

Like I said: Reality is the sand blowing into every crack of the traveller's skin, the hot wind stealing what moisture remains from his eyes...

Pili urges me not to see this as part of some greater global narrative in which the overall message is YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK. But I can't really see any alternative narratives.


Anonymous Erin said...

No, no, no, NO. Oh, I can't even express how sorry I am about this. My heart is hurting for you and Pili.

10:56 AM  
Blogger Blondie said...

Oh no, oh sweetie. I'm sorry. I'm just sorry. I don't know what else I can say that would make things better. Love to you both.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Cat, Galloping said...

I am so, so sorry.

11:18 AM  
Blogger M. said...

Sending long-distance hugs.

What awful, crushing news.

11:20 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Aw shit, I'm so sorry.

11:50 AM  
Anonymous Pronoia said...

I'm so sorry. So very sorry.

11:57 AM  
Blogger melissa said...

Shit, shit, shit!!!!! As I read yoru post I began crying at the injustice and senselessness of it... I see girls every day who are so unfit to be mothers that it is not even funny...

Please try not to be so hard on yourself - you are only human.

xo, Melissa
Yes, I do think we were seperated at birth

12:05 PM  
Blogger Trista said...

Oh I am so very, very sorry for you and Pili.

12:11 PM  
Blogger J said...

A sad day. My thoughts are with you both. I'm sorry you're going through this.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Sandra Miller said...

Oh God. I am so sorry.


I'm crying for the both of you.

Just can't believe it.

Wish there were some way to make this easier for you, but I know that there isn't.
It's just devastating.

My thoughts are with you.

12:43 PM  
Blogger Lyrehca said...

I join the throng. So, so, so, so, so sorry. (One for each stage of grief.)

12:47 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

OH, hon. I am so sorry. Just so sorry.

12:53 PM  
Blogger Val said...

No! As soon as I saw the title... I am so sorry, Art-sweet. For you and Pili.

1:26 PM  
Blogger seattlegal said...

I am so, so sorry.

1:31 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Thinking of you and Pili. This is so unfair.

2:02 PM  
Blogger julia said...

I'm so sorry, art-sweet. There's nothing I can say that will make it any better because it just sucks, so, so much.

The hardest thing is having to wrap up all those dreams and put them away.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I'm so very sorry.

2:37 PM  
Blogger Teej said...

I'm very sorry, even more so at knowing how little that matters right now. :/ Take care of yourselves and allow yourselves time to grieve and be angry.

3:23 PM  
Blogger B said...

Damnit. I know there is nothing that I can say to make you feel any better. I am just so so sorry. Thinking of you.

3:31 PM  
Blogger belledlr said...

A friend of mine, "verymelm", asked me to come here from her LJ and lend my support. I have been going through IF treatments with my husband for 2 1/2 years. I know exactly where you are coming from. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is never easy to deal with this crap, and it is so hard to pick yourself up everytime you get knocked down. I am not going to tell you to keep your chin up or think positive or any of that junk, but I will say I'm here for you and you are not alone. Once again I am so sorry for your loss.

3:34 PM  
Blogger Flmgodog said...

Sorry doesn't justify what I feel. What a big fat freakin' bummer...
I know the feeling unfortunately all too well.
Take care!!!

4:43 PM  
Blogger hd said...

Shit. So sorry.

6:10 PM  
Blogger deanna said...

oh, no............I'm so very sorry.....sending many hugs your way.....

6:41 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

Aw fuck.


But you were wrong. Good things do happen to you.

You have Pili, remember?

7:19 PM  
Blogger susan said...

(((((oh))))))). I'm so sorry.

9:38 PM  
Blogger Sophia said...

shit fuck crap and everything else

9:49 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

I am so sorry.... You and Pili are in my thoughts.

9:59 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Man, I'm so sorry :o(... I was realy pulling for you both- please don't give up. Though nothing can change this experience or change what you lost, know that there is still hope...

And you have us here for support whenever you need...

Take care.

10:04 PM  
Blogger Lo said...

Oh, no no no.
I know what you mean about the narrative but I just don't think you suck. I don't. Sending this thought your way, intensely....

10:05 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

I was really hoping you were grieving over something else when I read the title. Or that is was some sick joke. But this sucks. I'm so, so, sorry.

10:20 PM  
Blogger charlotte said...

There is nothing to say. I'm thinking of you both and feeling sad with you.

11:07 PM  
Blogger Clare said...

I read your post and that complete sense of disapointment and that I had let people down came rushing back to me from my years of 'trying'. It completly and utterly sucks.

Be good to yourself

11:45 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Sending gentle warm hugs to you both...

Take Care of Each Other...

11:49 PM  
Blogger Kerri. said...

Oh Art-Sweet. I am so sorry. You and Pili are in my thoughts and prayers.

12:52 AM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

I am so sorry for you and Pili's sad news.

7:01 AM  
Blogger Gretch said...

You and Pili are in our thoughts. So sorry....

11:35 AM  
Anonymous June said...

Hang in there, sweetie. Hugs from us to the pair of you.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Michko said...

I am in shock. So, so sorry for you and Pili.

1:01 PM  
Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Art-sweetie, big hugs to you. I can't believe this. All my love to you.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Calliope said...

oh no. I am so sorry. Thinking of you & Pili.

4:42 PM  
Blogger Sue said...

I had my own grief cycle as I read this, hoping it was just you imagining the end, not the real end.

You couldn't not hope and you can't not grieve. You have to have every single feeling, no way around but through and that bites ASS.

I am so sorry.

FWIW I'll just say this sucks, not you.

6:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(((((((((()))))))) I'm so sorry hon. I know that doesn't make it any better, but I want you to know I'm thinking of you and Pili.

6:33 PM  
Anonymous Beanie Baby said...

I'm so sorry.

9:16 PM  
Anonymous Alexa said...

No. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I wish there were something useful I could say. I am just so sorry.

1:58 PM  
Blogger LauraJ said...


10:38 AM  
Anonymous Julie said...

Oh, my dear, this is just unspeakable.

My deepest sympathies to you and pili.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Dyke One said...

Oh, shit, Art.

I just read this after being out of town and away from the computer for almost three weeks. (i mean, who still has dial up? and, who only has one phone line for their dinosaur dial up?)

I am so sorry.

It just sucks.

6:56 PM  
Blogger sexy said...









3:25 AM  

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