Wednesday, May 10, 2006

So far...

so good (whispered).

I was hoping we would hear a heartbeat today, but nurse tall and brusque said it was still early for that (6 weeks even). We saw a gestational sac (14.1 mm) with a yolk sac. And she promised me that was good and normal and all we were looking for today. (Which does seem to be verified by my good friend Dr. Google).

Hcg was 16,000 and P4 was over 40.

We go back next Wednesday, and should hear heartbeat then and see fetal pole, g-d willing.

In the meantime, I feel extraordinarily anxious and obsessive. I mean, even more than usual. My skin is crawling, my heart is pounding, I am engaging in frantic fits of googling.

I want this to work so badly. And my experience of myself is that when I want something to happen this badly, it usually doesn't.

So yes, I am knocking wood every which way and creating elaborate rituals of protection and control. I must pet all four cats before I leave the house. I must not think about names. I must wear the bangles that Pili's friend gave her in India. Teetering between feeling like if I try hard enough, this might actually come true, and the rational, logical understanding that I have absolutely no control over whether or not it does.

Fortunately we have some distractions in store for us. The wedding of our very excellent friends this weekend.

Oh, and less fun: my annual opthamologist visit tomorrow. Please keep your fingers crossed for normal all around. Normal fetus, normal retinas. Although if I had to choose...


Blogger Blondie said...

*sotto voce* Yay!

1:24 PM  
Blogger Lyrehca said...

Oh, I'm crossing things for you. Woo, woo, go feetie!

1:41 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

I'm crossing my fingers for normal everything!!!

1:44 PM  
Blogger Cat, Galloping said...

(whispering) yay for "so good"

1:51 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

(quietly) yayayayay!

1:56 PM  
Blogger julia said...

*salt over shoulder, knocking wood, spinning around three times, going outside and spitting*

There. That ought to cover it.

I know what you're going thru (boy, do I). Deep breaths. Have a glass of wine. Freak out as needed. How's your ob/mw? Helpful? Supportive? Willing to listen to you lose it? If not, find a new one, toot sweet.

Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Sandra Miller said...

Sounds all good, Art-Sweet.

And you are so due for a hefty dose of 'all good'.

2:38 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

I am praying extra loud tonight. :-)

3:11 PM  
Blogger Sophia said...

if you want I can add Protestant prayers (at a queer church), Catholic candles and umm a chicken fron African based pre-christain traditions to all the other good luck rituals.

And I'm not moving your link on my sidebar until you feel ready.

3:23 PM  
Blogger Sue said...

How can you not want this? I am praying (and I am not a prayer)

5:51 PM  
Blogger deanna said...

hoping, hoping, hoping LOTS!

11:14 PM  
Blogger Lo said...

I know eerily, creepily, exactly how you feel. So my whole soul is hoping for you.

11:47 PM  
Anonymous Beanie Baby said...

Yay! So happy for you.

I actually spotted my whole first trimester with Frances--'freaking out' doesn't even begin to cover it. I understand the elaborate rituals of anti-jinx that develop when you think something is going 'wrong.'

9:10 AM  
Blogger Kerri. said...

I don't know how to send you good luck and my prayers, but I just tried to shove them into the comments section here and they didn't fit.

I'll sit here at home and hope and pray for you and Pili. Somehow I know it will get to you. :)

11:15 AM  
Blogger hd said...

Everything crossed for continued good news.

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

-knocking on wood- And crossing anything that will cross! LOL!

2:59 PM  
Blogger mermaidgrrrl said...

I get fits of the "superstitious" behaviour too babe! I think if I don't wear my mala then my cycle will fail, if I look at others peoples babies with too much jealousy then my cycle will fail, if I think anything negative and unkind then my cycle will fail. We're all nuts together!

1:18 AM  

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