So far...

so good (whispered).

I was hoping we would hear a heartbeat today, but nurse tall and brusque said it was still early for that (6 weeks even). We saw a gestational sac (14.1 mm) with a yolk sac. And she promised me that was good and normal and all we were looking for today. (Which does seem to be verified by my good friend Dr. Google).

Hcg was 16,000 and P4 was over 40.

We go back next Wednesday, and should hear heartbeat then and see fetal pole, g-d willing.

In the meantime, I feel extraordinarily anxious and obsessive. I mean, even more than usual. My skin is crawling, my heart is pounding, I am engaging in frantic fits of googling.

I want this to work so badly. And my experience of myself is that when I want something to happen this badly, it usually doesn't.

So yes, I am knocking wood every which way and creating elaborate rituals of protection and control. I must pet all four cats before I leave the house. I must not think about names. I must wear the bangles that Pili's friend gave her in India. Teetering between feeling like if I try hard enough, this might actually come true, and the rational, logical understanding that I have absolutely no control over whether or not it does.

Fortunately we have some distractions in store for us. The wedding of our very excellent friends this weekend.

Oh, and less fun: my annual opthamologist visit tomorrow. Please keep your fingers crossed for normal all around. Normal fetus, normal retinas. Although if I had to choose...