No longer tongue tied
Thank you for all your kind comments on the previous post. My tongue is back to normal, the stitch, which made me feel like I had a fly stuck on my tongue, has dissolved as promised, and I am once again blowing bubbles.
I don't have much to say at the moment. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern on a lot of fronts. We're waiting for the I-171H, which should hopefully come within the next week or two. I'm waiting for news on a couple of job possibilities. We're waiting for the referral, although not in an any day now kind of way. I'm waiting to hear whether I have hoof and mouth disease or some other dire disorder of the tongue. Have I mentioned that I hate waiting?
I was talking with my therapist on monday about my feeling of always falling a little bit short and of never expecting things to work out. She commented that she had seen similar attitudes in other type ones. That our bodies have failed us in a very central way and so we expect failure and feel like it is always around the corner, hanging out, waiting to jump us just when we start to feel like things might go okay. Then she commented that it seems like this maybe leads me to pull my punches a bit. That I don't commit one hundred percent because I don't expect to succeed in the first place.
I think it's all true. I just don't know what to do about it.
I don't have much to say at the moment. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern on a lot of fronts. We're waiting for the I-171H, which should hopefully come within the next week or two. I'm waiting for news on a couple of job possibilities. We're waiting for the referral, although not in an any day now kind of way. I'm waiting to hear whether I have hoof and mouth disease or some other dire disorder of the tongue. Have I mentioned that I hate waiting?
I was talking with my therapist on monday about my feeling of always falling a little bit short and of never expecting things to work out. She commented that she had seen similar attitudes in other type ones. That our bodies have failed us in a very central way and so we expect failure and feel like it is always around the corner, hanging out, waiting to jump us just when we start to feel like things might go okay. Then she commented that it seems like this maybe leads me to pull my punches a bit. That I don't commit one hundred percent because I don't expect to succeed in the first place.
I think it's all true. I just don't know what to do about it.
posted by art-sweet at 2:23 PM
14 Comments:
I think that's definitely true and have never heard it put like that before.
When I was in therapy last year, I remember making the realization that I always blamed everything that happened on me, and that if it went wrong, it's because of something I failed to do. I think it's because in diabetes, whenever something bad happened, I always had to ask myself, "What did I do wrong?" because it always seemed like people placed blame either on me or themselves (that is, when I listen to others with diabetes). Even if it's absolutely completely out of our control, we're taught that we have to be in control and it's our responsibility to make sure that we're ok. I believe this has translated into other parts of my life and has made it very difficult for me to handle the ups and downs of the world. I guess I had to learn that I can't control life like I can control diabetes, and even diabetes isn't something I can control 100%. Sometimes you just have to let things be and run their course, even if they aren't what you want.
I don't know if it's just diabetes that makes people this way. I'm always like that, always have been, and I don't have type 1. I think it's just people - some of us are just like that.
I know it's true because I felt like sobbing when I read your words.
There is an old self-help book called Learned Optimism which I've read more than once, but I don't think there's any quick cure (although brain-meds help a bit).
May you wait well.
wait- do you mean type 1 as in a personality or as in type 1 diabetes?
Either way, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I guess it is sort of like emotional flinching or something.
xo
This resonated strongly with me too, Art.
In a very literal sense, since I got diabetes I've experienced ongoing cynicism/pessimism/low expectations often in the form of hypochondria; I'm always waiting for the next medical crisis. I move through life pretty much convinced that it's "always around the corner," as you say.
But I never thought about this tendency in other respects until I read your post. Needs a lot more contemplation. Thanks.
After reading all these comments I think you may be onto something. I also find it difficult to stay positive internally although I spend most of my day "trying" to stay upbeat and positive. It is always a struggle.
I could also really relate to that post. I feel like I have always been like that; never feeling good enough and expecting the worse. I hadn't realised how diabetes can confirm that feeling and how wrong it is. We can't control everything and not everything is our fault.
Definitely can relate, although more in the sense that I'm usually surprised that something is going well, body-wise. ("The Pap smear was normal? My teeth look great? You're kidding me!")
PS: Have said it before, but it's still true. LOVE the pink and red shoes. LOVE them.
Im off to explore your blog...but wanted to say YES im IN on the group you mentioned on my lifejournal post.
feel free to email me at info@adoptproud.org
Carla
Wow! This post really made me pause and wonder what I can do to help Daniel from ever getting to this place of self blame and negative expectations. All of you are such wonderful, unique creations. It makes me so sad that everyone of you seem to share this awful part of the fallout. How does one fix it or at least avoid it?
Viv
Right on target art-sweet. I feel the same way, not always in there 100% because it's going to fail, right?
Was told just last week not only by one family member but a few that I am a glass half empty kind of person. I definately don't see myself this way. Apparently they don't get me.
And the waiting I can't flipping stand the waiting. Maybe I need a mantra to chant (jk) while waiting. I'll pass it along to you when I figure it out.
Don't you think most people with chronic illnesses are frequently waiting for the other shoe to drop? Pulling back a little, just in case? The (fortunate) difference with diabetes is that the control of our illness is somewhat within our own control.
Hmmm.
What a thought provoking post (and comments!)!
I usually tend to think of myself as a "cup half full" person. Very optimistic, sometimes too a fault.
But, I have also been coming to learn that I have some very deep mental issues that need to be worked through.
We are all put through the process of working towards acceptance, whether we like it or not. Some of us may never fully accept it - I know that I'm struggling with it!
But to also realize how that impacts the other areas of our lives... ??
Very though provoking, that is for sure.
You know that there is also a "strong" side of me that makes me feel if I can wrestle every day with diabetes, that there is little in this world I couldn't do. We are so very strong (in a sometimes fragile way) because of all we must to just to survive. Sometime that makes me feel invincible. Bring. It. On.
Much love Art - we're all in it together.
I don't always feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, But I am always distinctly conscious of every thing that is possibly going wrong with my health and my family's health and I am very pro (over) active in this respect. In some ways that helps me gett better results, in other ways, well I spend a lot of time on my health and my kid's health. I don't know about the rest of my life, I'll tel lyou about it when I get there!
Post a Comment
<< Home