Friday, October 20, 2006

A is for...

The Photo Friday topic this week is "A is for..."

I was all prepared, earlier in the week, to come up with something clever. I have been a Photo Friday loser the past couple of weeks, and I wanted to make a big splash to make it up to Cali, because I'm that kind of over-compensating neurotic twit.

But honestly, all I can come up with right now is A is for AWFUL. A is for ANXIETY. A is for ABSOLUTELY FUCKING UNBEARABLE.

Because, that's what the past two days have been.

I can't really blog about the shit that's going on because it's not my shit to blog about. Suffice it to say that a family member of Pili's is going through a very tough time. And as a result is living with us. The resultant stress has both Pili and I bursting into tears at random moments, always carefully when said family member is not around.

The thing that has me up here at my computer blogging about this when I swore that I would respect Pili's privacy and not blog about it, is that the stress of all this has driven Pili to smoke again. When I first met her she smoked. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke more than anything else in the whole wide world. Cat boxes that have not been cleaned for weeks are more appealing to me than the smell of a smoker.

I nagged Pili for years until she finally managed to quit and stay quit. Until then I would not let her get into bed without showering if she had been smoking. I can smell it on her three days after she's had one cigarette, even if she has showered. The thought of Pili smoking again, of having to go through this awful nagging nagging nagging routine again, has me reduced to a puddle of weepy mush for about the sixth time today. I hate what this is doing to my girl. I hate that I can't make it better for her. And I hate that she smells like a goddamn ashtray.

There we go. A is for ASHTRAY.

I am beyond tears.


Blogger Kerri. said...

Oh A-S. I'm sorry you and Pili are going through such stressful times. A is for Always Here to Listen, if you need an E. (E is for Ear, in this instance.)


8:14 PM  
Anonymous Round is Funny said...

Yikes. Hang in there, girl (says the partner of another long-term-but-now-ex-after-much-nagging-smoker).

8:38 PM  
Blogger Shelli said...

Quitting smoking was the hardest thing i ever did in my life.


narda still chews the gum.

Can pili chew the gum? That way she gets the nicotine, and you get a happy nose....

8:45 PM  
Blogger mermaidgrrrl said...

Oh man - what a bummer. LM quit smoking 3 months ago after smoking really very heavily for years. She quit by going on the patches and then she would use the gum when things got really desperate as well as the patch. She had a big nicotine addiction! She only uses the patch now on days when she's really wound tight, because she knows that stress is a big trigger for her smoking. May Shelli is right, that pili could try the gum? You poor buggars having stress like that under your own roof. Things are more tolerable when it's outside of your home, but when your refuge from the rest of the world is filled with stress then it's a special kind of horrible.

10:27 PM  
Anonymous Erin said...

I can't imagine what it is that you're going through but I feel terrible for you and Pili! This must be a huge strain for both of you. I hope that she is able to quit smoking again without as much trouble this time. It's such a horribly addictive drug.

11:09 PM  
Blogger julia said...

That sucks. I'm sorry you're bothing going thru such shit. And I hope Pili can quit again. As an ex-smoker, I know how tempting it is to start up again when you're stressed. Fingers crossed that everything gets better.

11:45 PM  
Blogger Lyrehca said...

Oy. I'm sorry you and Pili are both going through such stress. Is there an end in sight (i.e, is the family member moving out in the near future?)

7:04 AM  
Blogger Co said...

I'm sorry that the two of you are going through a very stressful time. Hugs.

7:25 AM  
Blogger Calliope said...

man does it ever suck that the smoking has started again. As a still struggling ex smoker my biggest problem is stress. Too much of it & my body starts to have a horrible craving. It is not rational.

I hate that you both are going through so much anxiety and stress.


10:10 AM  
Blogger Irshlas said...

I second all of the above. I hope the stress level goes back down sometime soon. My dearly beloved has been smoke free for 10 months now and I never thought it would happen. (The upcoming arrival of baby was the final straw for him.)

Hugs to both of you for having to deal with problems outside of your control. Feel free to vent as needed!

12:11 PM  
Blogger pithydithy said...

Oh, hon, I am so sorry about your awful week. As another ex-smoker, I understand how stress can make one revert. I also understand, though, how thorougly disgusting it is. I'm sorry. I hope that things ease up on y'all very soon.

12:23 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

I can sympathize on both counts. I am another semi-ex-smoker who tends to relapse when stressed. My latest motto is that I am allowed to smoke in mental hospitals and miscarriages, as those are the two things that make me throw my quit to the wind. In any case, when I would start again (as now), I have never smoked more than 2 a day (usually 1) and I do so almost always before Wes gets home and then shower. I have gone back and forth several times and stopping has never been very difficult as it was when I was really quitting for real. Then again, whenever I stop smoking my one a day, it is because I am ttc again and there is really no true temptation during those periods. Ugh. I wish you both luck and love.

12:31 PM  
Blogger Gandksmom said...

Aww...Art. Call me OK? Maybe we can do something to help?

4:50 PM  
Blogger J said...

I'm sorry....i'm a struggling ex-smoker too....and am currently struggling more now than ever. I also HATE the way S smells/tastes etc after she smokes, so I'm a double standard, hypocritical struggling ex-smoker. I hope that she's able to get through this rough patch, and back to clear air land. For both your sakes

6:19 PM  
Anonymous Leggy said...

I'm sorry for this- sounds very stressful. And I'm glad to hear that she's trying to quit again. We lived with my mom for 13 months and my inlaws for 2- its hard living with family, even in the best of times. So its 500 times more hard when they're living with you because life has fallen apart. I hope things get better soon.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

Just wanted to say that we're thinking of you and hoping for some relief in the near future.

Let us know if there's anything we can do. I know that sounds meaningless over the big Internet, but I really mean it.

12:49 PM  

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