Quite possibly the most depressing blog ever
I just ate a BOX of Annie's Mac & Cheese.
I was really hungry.
That my-blood-sugar-is-creeping-towards-low, no I DON'T NEED TO TEST, DAMNIT hunger.
[So that when you test afterwards and your blood sugar is high, you wonder if it was ever low to begin with or if you were just hungry. And that uncertainty - not being able to just trust your body and its signals - is one of the things you hate most about this eminently hateable disease.]
And now I should give some insulin for it. Which means I should test before too much more of the carbs get in. And then I should look at the box.
I don't want to look at the box.
The box will tell me that the bowl I just stuffed down my face was supposed to be four servings. Four people should have eaten what I just ate. I will have to multiple the carbs by four. I will have to multiple the calories and fat grams by four. And then I will multiply my self-loathing by four.
And I will think oh I should go to the gym. Then I will feel better.
But the unwritten ma thesis and the heaps of work I took home that I swore I would do are also calling me.
And I will think oh next week. Next week I will go to the gym every day and I will go back to weight watchers and I will only eat salad and fruit and whole grains and be perfect. And before you know it, I'll be a prima ballerina with the Moscow Ballet.
Which sets me up for a new wave of failure and self-flagellation and disgust.
In order to avoid looking at all these failures, I don't look at all. I don't test. I guesstimate (and under guesstimate) carb counts. I throw (ouch) the baby out with the bathwater. I cut off my nose to spite my face.
I know all of this.
So why the fuck can't I change?
p.s. Blogger spell check suggested the following:
bloc instead of blog (!).
eatable instead of hateable.
carp instead of carb.
fuji instead of fuck.
pooh instead of p.s. (?).
And the creme de la creme? Blocker instead of Blogger.
Oh fuji! I ate too many carps!
Why, honey, miscarriage doesn't make you want to fuji, fuji, fuji all night long?
I was really hungry.
That my-blood-sugar-is-creeping-towards-low, no I DON'T NEED TO TEST, DAMNIT hunger.
[So that when you test afterwards and your blood sugar is high, you wonder if it was ever low to begin with or if you were just hungry. And that uncertainty - not being able to just trust your body and its signals - is one of the things you hate most about this eminently hateable disease.]
And now I should give some insulin for it. Which means I should test before too much more of the carbs get in. And then I should look at the box.
I don't want to look at the box.
The box will tell me that the bowl I just stuffed down my face was supposed to be four servings. Four people should have eaten what I just ate. I will have to multiple the carbs by four. I will have to multiple the calories and fat grams by four. And then I will multiply my self-loathing by four.
And I will think oh I should go to the gym. Then I will feel better.
But the unwritten ma thesis and the heaps of work I took home that I swore I would do are also calling me.
And I will think oh next week. Next week I will go to the gym every day and I will go back to weight watchers and I will only eat salad and fruit and whole grains and be perfect. And before you know it, I'll be a prima ballerina with the Moscow Ballet.
Which sets me up for a new wave of failure and self-flagellation and disgust.
In order to avoid looking at all these failures, I don't look at all. I don't test. I guesstimate (and under guesstimate) carb counts. I throw (ouch) the baby out with the bathwater. I cut off my nose to spite my face.
I know all of this.
So why the fuck can't I change?
p.s. Blogger spell check suggested the following:
bloc instead of blog (!).
eatable instead of hateable.
carp instead of carb.
fuji instead of fuck.
pooh instead of p.s. (?).
And the creme de la creme? Blocker instead of Blogger.
Oh fuji! I ate too many carps!
Why, honey, miscarriage doesn't make you want to fuji, fuji, fuji all night long?
posted by art-sweet at 3:07 PM
13 Comments:
I ate several servings of mac and cheese today, too, but it wasn't even Annie's. I hope all the carps didn't cause you problems.
Read your previous post, too, and I am so, so sorry. I lost two pregnancies, both at sixteen weeks, and it does suck so horribly. I hope things are better,as much better as they can be, soon.
I'm really sorry cause I know that was suppose to be a depressing entry, but you had me laughing! Fuji! Fuji! Fuji!
Fuji Fuji Fuji!
Now I can't eat the apple without thinking of this post.
I hope your body behaves. I know from where you speak as a food addict but not as a diabetic
I have to second Megan - I think for me though, I'm laughing in sympathy for having been there more times than I want to think about!
At least Annie's (at least if it's that Annie's) is organic and/or natural (and it's not 4 servings to a box - it's less!). If *I'm* going to eat a box of Mac'n'Cheese (and really, one of those boxes really *ought* to be a serving, shouldn't it?) it's either Kraft or Velveeta, which have to be *way* worse for you in terms of sodium and nitrates and all that bad for you stuff. At least your body knows what to do with carps! *half-hearted smile*
Please don't beat yourself up... sometimes we need to do things that help calm or comfort us in some way. For me, food has been my loyal companion when dealing with something difficult or painful. It's more than understandable why this happened. As long as you bolused and are going to do your best to monitor your sugar levels, I don't think you should worry too much about it. Slip ups are bound to happen from time to time, especially during times of stress. We're all human.
Give yourself time to deal with things. No one is rushing you to be your old self again... this is something that's going to take time and patience, but you will get through this and you'll be ok.
Know that we are here for you!
Take care :)
hi,
thinking of you both.xx
Isn't hunger strange - There are many times I cannot tell if I am really hungry, just want to eat, or "maybe I am low, so I should eat...."
L
It could be waaaaaaay worse - like a bottle of vodka or something. Just put the mac and cheese behind you and move on to the salad sandwiches saying "what mac and cheese? I don't know what you're talking about!"
oh dear. but i'm not suprised given the time you've been having. i think grief eats up sugar and carbs so you'll be fine. as mermaidgrrl said at least it wasn't a bottle of vodka.
i had a miscarriage years ago. i was also told i'd probably never be able to have children as i had endometriosis. but i finally got pregnant completely by accident naturally. m[iracles do happen.
keep positive. i realise its hard. but just don't beat yourself up more than life does already!
Hi Art-Sweet,
I'm very in touch with this post.
Within the past 5 years or so, when my blood sugar hits (or passes through) the 200 mark, I feel very similar to how I feel when I'm low.
I used to be able to trust those feelings, and just that I need to eat. I'm still trying to get used to not being able to trust those feelings (the feelings I grew up with!!!). It's very frustrating to me.
I'm also one who can not eat just a single serving of anything. I think those numbers are rigged. You know, they go at it backwards, splitting the serving sizes up to match the calorie/fat/carb they want.
I'm also very in touch with not wanting to look at the box. I sometimes get where I don't want to spend any energy figuring out what I just did - and I'd rather wait until later in the day when all the carbs & insulin have worked their way through my system, then correct after that.
I guess what I'm saying is that you are not alone in these types of things.
On another note, I took a picture this weekend that made me think of you. One of your Photo Friday deals was on reflections right? I took my kayak out on the local lakes here for the first time this year. Take a look at this reflection picture. Here's a "not so zoomed in" version - in case you can't read backwards.
Fuji guilt, anyway. You *so* deserved that box of mac and cheese. Go for a walk and call it a day.
Art-Sweet,
You're grieving. Part of that process involves doing things you normally might not do.
For me, it wasn't eating too much, but rather too little-- one week after finding out about my second loss, I was emaciated. This was NOT GOOD.
But I couldn't do it any other way.
You're coping with a devastating loss-- give yourself permission to mourn without guilt. (And if that means downing a box of mac & cheese-- well damnit, that's what you needed at that moment).
It's going to be really bad for a while, but the two of you will make it through. I promise.
At least it was a box of mac & cheese and not, y'know, a bottle of Maker's Mark.
Annie's is 2.5 servings. I know this because O will eat an entire box in one sitting, without any excuse what. so. ever.
at least you had "good for you" organic mac & cheese. mmmmmm.
fiber.
thinking of you
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