Monday, December 25, 2006

Stealth Blogging & Family Venting

Before I start blathering on: Merry Christmas to all my friends who celebrate Christmas and happy mandatory day off to the rest of us!

I am at my parents' apt. and every time I get on the computer and start looking at blogs or even thinking about blogging one of them pops up behind me. It's crazy.

I feel like I'm trying to look at pictures of nekkid ladies when really all I want to do is check in with my bloggy friends without letting my family in on my on-line existence. Not that I have anything big to hide, I just like having some illusion of privacy as I spill my guts to the internet. Yes, I see the irony. But then I got even more freaked out when I went to comment on a blog and discovered that my mother has a blogger login. I almost left a comment as my mom. Eek.

(yes, I am a 31 year old woman, not a squealing teenager, despite the tone of the above)

I am hoping to get some new Guatebaby pictures any day now... hopefully they will not add to my frustration that Nothing. Is. Happening. on our case. Our agency has not yet been able to make it through the line at the U.S. Embassy to get authorization for the DNA test. Apparently, the line is supposed to start at 6am, but since they only take 40 people a day, it actually starts the night before. But if the embassy staff sees that the agency reps have been in line overnight, they won't let them file the paperwork. Yes, these are our tax dollars at work, my friends.

My parents are so excited about GB, which is fantastic, but also puts more pressure on me to have answers or timelines that I just don't have. My mother says things like, well I hope he's home before he's six months old. As if he will turn into a pumpkin if that's not the case, which it likely won't be. She apologized, repeatedly, but her words bring up this old and barely banked anger that deserves a post of its own and that I can't quite seem to put down again.

It's anger from when I was a child. Anger that I had diabetes. Anger that I always had to be okay and couldn't be angry. Anger that I supressed unconsciously, feeling the weight of her need for me to be okay. Feeling like my own emotions had to be smothered in order to protect her fragile equilibrium. Anger at being told - when I said that it scared me when she got depressed, that it reminded me of the very scary times when she was depressed before - that she was fine now and I had no right to be afraid based on those times. Anger, that until a few years and a few million therapy sessions ago, I would have told you I didn't feel.

And then she says something like this, asks for something I know I am powerless to do, and I feel all that unfelt rage surface like a deep sea diver, gasping for air.

I will post this and then delete the browser history posthaste.

But I need to post this.

p.s. Thank you so so so much for all the kind wishes on finishing! I haven't heard anything from them saying that they are going to reject it for being three days late... so perhaps all is well?

8 Comments:

Blogger In Search Of Balance said...

It can be incredibly frustrating to have to silence or censor yourself to make someone else feel better. I absolutely get that. I do a similar thing for my parents, and it makes it hard sometimes.

I hope things get better for you at home, and that you are met with more understanding in the future.

And, again, congratulations on being done!!!!!!

2:00 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

I feel the need for privacy when I check out blogs too. I feel selfconscious for some reason, so I'm secretive about it.

I hope things get moving with the adoption. What a pain in the neck!

And while families can be good, they can also be ulcer inducing! I can certainly relate.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey Art,

Family dynamics can be so... weird.

There are a lot of times when family will say things because they don't feel they have to guard their thoughts/words like they have (well, are supposed to) with the general public.

There is often times so many family "politics" that we deal with, and it sucks. Especially with extended family.

Back when my mom got sick with her cancer, before she passed away, she decided that she wasn't going to play the game anymore. If someone did or said something that pissed her off, she let them know.

It was such a liberating time for her, and for me and my sister too. She decided that she wasn't going to deal with it anymore, and we shouldn't have to either. She gave us the courage to let our family know when they ticked us off.

I'm sure it's a lot different dealing with your mom, rather than extended family.

I don't have any real wise words here or anything, just wanting to let you know I recognize how damn hard it can be sometimes.

You know that you have a very caring and supportive online family that you can turn to anytime - we're not exactly the same as the real people around you, but you should know that we all love you and will do whatever we can if you should need anything.

We appreciate you sharing yourself with us.

Take care Art, and really, let us know if you need anything.

1:24 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

I can completely understand where you're coming from! Sometimes I have to be very careful of what I say, since I know my grandmother reads my blog. It's a bit odd for me to think.

And here's a laugh- USCIS says that the line DOES NOT start the night before- WHA?? Are you kidding? It's just one of the many head-scratching things about this process.

Here's to getting an update on Guatebaby SOON!!!!

5:31 PM  
Blogger liz said...

Biggest of big hugs. And go on and let that anger out. Let that pattern end with you.

9:12 PM  
Blogger Erica said...

I'm the same way about blogging. My husband doesn't even know I have a blog. I like the 'privacy' of my 'imaginary internet weirdo friend' world.

Scott hit the nail on the head re family dynamics. Tis the season for a lot of old shit to resurface for many families, my own included.

Fingers x'd that there is guatebaby progress soon...

2:40 PM  
Blogger Kelsey said...

Art-sweet,

I totally relate to your experience of having to pretend everything was "okay" diabetes-wise with your mom. Only, mine's my dad.

My dad does not live in reality, everything is good in his world, and he doesn't admit when things are crappy. To this day (actually last week to be exact) when I was telling him more details about my pump, he's response was "Oh, you're just doing great!"

Um, yes, I am, but it really sucks that I even have to wear a pump. He'd never validate the negative feelings I have regarding diabetes.

It's very weird. Luckily we have people in our lives that do allow us to feel everything and express it... thank god!

3:57 PM  
Blogger Cera said...

I have a question for you regarding diabetes and some other infections.... I saw a post from you from march on another blog on diabetes!!! I couldn't believe it!!! Can I email you privately??? Thanks!!!

10:39 PM  

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